Together yet apart: Inside Kenya's urban loneliness pandemic

On a warm evening, Nairobi’s glass towers rise over vehicle-choked streets, while the city’s young professionals move with the same urgency as the traffic. Yet amid this urban rhythm, a quieter epidemic unfolds, loneliness clothed in the rituals of modern dating.

When Amani and David, two upcoming professionals, meet for coffee along Waiyaki Way this evening, they find themselves in such a predicament, but joke about and talk freely about what to anticipate from their weekend getaway to Naivasha, a respite from the hectic pace of city life.

But beneath the laughter lies deep-seated hesitation. Amani worries that committing might mean sacrificing her independence, the freedom she fought for after years of family expectations. “My mother thinks I should have married Dave a long time ago,” she says. David, on the other hand, fares no better. The weight of financial uncertainty holds no promise of stability. “I don’t even have a house of my own,” he says. “But I still love the girl.”

The two sip their coffee as the city’s skyscrapers glitter in the setting sun. They know how deeply they care for each other, but also how their demanding careers and shifting cultural norms have become the microcosm of the loneliness pandemic. They end the evening with a familiar ritual repeated thousands of times in the city. David drops Amani off at home, where they exchange a warm hug, while both retreat to their separate apartments. They are “together apart”, to quote the mantra of a famous Kenyan music band. Intimate but unanchored.

Their story reflects a broader shift, where urbanisation has redefined intimacy, where careers demand constant mobility and flexible gender roles, as women claim independence.

However, where cultural dictates in Kenya still scream of dowries and family obligations, reality presents individuals navigating freedom, ambition, and, more recently, solitude. In fact, Amani and David’s story is one with a happy ending. At least they are able to keep in touch periodically and spend some time together.

Many young people, on the other hand, are choosing solitude, preferring to enjoy their own company without the encumbrances of a relationship. They do not want any form of commitment and are happy to enjoy life alone. Why are long-term commitment and marriage no longer appealing? Are we on the verge of loneliness as a lifestyle?

Dan Kagai, a father of two and a Karen resident, says that in years gone by, he would lose count of wedding invitations that would come through during the holiday season. “The problem was deciding which one to attend and which one to just send a gift without being physically present,” he says. “Not anymore. Our young people are choosing to be okay with their lonely lives. I find many of them just taking a drink all by themselves before hailing a taxi ride home.”

Lately, numerous social media posts have lamented the absence of men, especially on the social scene, giving popular events a wide berth, and even when they are present, they are said to keep to themselves, occasionally enjoying the company of other men.

“It seems like men are not as present at parties, clubs, or even church gatherings, which are often filled with women. This raises some questions. Could it be that the boy child is feeling left out or overlooked? Or perhaps it is because efforts to empower girls have been more prominent?” asked one such post, accentuated by two dancing girls.

In an online post, Elvis Warutumo says women should not be surprised that men no longer take them clubbing or treat them to endless rounds of drinks. In fact, he says nobody should be surprised that they are no longer showing up at key events.

He says there is no need for the man to go to the club “so that a woman and her friends can drain your wallet and give you nothing in return”, not even sending a brief thank you note the next day.

His advice to men is simple. “Get yourself an apartment. Something clean and peaceful where you can unwind. Furnish it properly. Get a dining table, not eat from your bed. A good TV, something you enjoy coming home to. Get a vehicle, even a clean second-hand one. Something that gives you freedom and independence.”

Loneliness, however, is now a growing global concern. The World Health Organisation declared it a “pressing health threat” in 2023, warning that people without strong social ties face higher risks of stroke, dementia, depression, anxiety and suicide.

It estimates that about 24 per cent of people in low-income countries feel lonely, compared to 11 per cent in high-income countries. It also notes that up to one in three older adults and one in four adolescents experience social isolation, affecting hundreds of millions worldwide.

Rapid urbanisation has created new freedoms, with women pursuing careers and men redefining masculinity beyond traditional expectations. Yet when these freedoms meet cultural pressures around relationships and family, loneliness often emerges.